I remember, one afternoon as we were eating lunch, one of us got into trouble. I don’t remember why, I’m not totally positive on whom. I do remember Mom pulling them reluctantly to the back of the house to get spanked. I remember that the tension in the air was thick.

I was simultaneously feeling sick that my sister was getting spanked, nervous that Mom would find something to spank me for when she got back, and relieved that it wasn’t already me back there. From there, I remember the story two ways. This situation was so common I assume that two separate memories have combined.

In one memory, I mentioned to my older sister that it always made my stomach clench when someone got spanked, even if it wasn’t me. She gave me a curt nod, pretty obviously feeling the same way, and told me to be quiet and keep eating.

In the second memory, I gave a nervous laugh, not because I thought anything was funny, but just because the relief that it wasn’t me was so great. I mentioned that I felt really bad for whoever it was, but I couldn’t help feeling relieved it wasn’t me. My older sister quickly quieted me with a few words of disapproval.

Both her responses sound kind of cold and mean. I didn’t like the way she shushed me, but I knew the real reason wasn’t about me. If Mom heard what I said, I could easily be the next one spanked. If Mom was upset enough to spank one child, there was no telling what would trigger her to spank you too.